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Chennai-based entrepreneur Madan Raj* and his techie woman Vandana Raj*, some 30 years old, are connected a fashionable dating app — unneurotic and separately. If this is confusing, you person conscionable been introduced to the satellite of ethical non-monogamy, oregon ENM as it is popularly called successful the online dating stratosphere. The mates day different radical connected the app, with each other’s consent, portion being transparent to the radical they date. “We were precocious schoolhouse sweethearts who got joined young. We realised we wanted to research dating different radical portion being committed to each other,” explains Mr. Madan.
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ENM, arsenic a concept, has been increasing among joined couples successful the past 15 years and the pandemic turned retired to beryllium a catalyst, not lone successful Indian metros but besides successful smaller towns and tier-two cities, including Guwahati, Lucknow, and Bareilly. As the acronym suggests, ENM refers to a mates committed to each different either arsenic superior partners oregon a joined couple, opening their marriage/relationship to find different suitors/lovers/partners wrong the parameters of a mutually agreed framework, with wide rules and connection guidelines.
“Healthy boundaries, wide communication, and communal respect are the cornerstones of immoderate relationship; and erstwhile you unfastened up a matrimony oregon a once-committed monogamous relationship, past the request for rules, clarity, and connection becomes adjacent much imperative,” says Vidya Jebaraj, a Bengaluru-based matrimony counsellor, who handholds couples looking to unfastened up their marriage.
Anecdotal stories
One has to trust connected surveys conducted by dating apps, the unusual probe paper, oregon quality nonfiction for much reliable information and statistic connected unfastened marriages and relationships. On the contrary, anecdotal stories of couples successful unfastened marriages connection a plethora of penetration and wisdom.
Married couples who person successfully explored ENM claim that it has not lone helped physique spot successful the matrimony but besides spiced things up, particularly erstwhile a narration has lasted until it deed drudgery. “We opened up our matrimony aft a decennary of being joined and aft 2 kids; our ENM is intelligibly structured, ensuring thing impacts oregon disrupts our lives unneurotic oregon the kids. It has helped physique trust, and has adjacent made america happier,” notes Selvam Durai*, 40, based successful Chennai.
Speaking to galore young couples successful their 20s and 30s successful smaller cities indicates that not conscionable Chennai but towns specified arsenic Salem, Madurai, Coimbatore and Tiruchi are, indeed, accommodative of couples exploring ENM. It is besides evident from talking to them that patriarchal dynamics, acold much firmly entrenched successful the non-metro cities, alteration men to much openly research ENM. The women, however, either reluctantly travel on oregon bash not themselves day different men, but consent grudgingly oregon sometimes willingly, for their husbands to conscionable oregon day different women. In among lone 2 of the 8 couples interviewed from smaller cities bash the women besides consciousness an adjacent dynamic, with their husband, successful exploring ENM. Almost nary 1 was consenting to stock their existent names, overmuch little beryllium photographed, indicating that portion the much things change, the much they enactment the same.
A 2022 Bumble survey recovered that 61% of azygous Indians surveyed were unfastened to exploring ENM, indicating a increasing involvement successful consensual non-monogamous structures. Mumbai-based scientist Amanpreet Nagpal noted an summation successful polyamorous clients implicit the past 5 years; they subordinate this manner with being modern and progressive, though galore besides question her assistance for the affectional complications and insecurities that often thin to originate successful specified situations.
Why take ENM?
Married couples successful India prosecute ENM for divers reasons. Some observe polyamorous inclinations years into marriage. Others presumption matrimony arsenic providing applicable benefits, including ineligible and nine sanction, portion going with non-monogamy. There is, of course, nary acceptable signifier — determination are variations galore. Some couples day separately, others together, and galore make hybrid models that enactment champion for them. Hierarchical arrangements with superior and secondary partners stay common, though couples support boundaries that germinate implicit clip done ongoing negotiation.
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There inactive is overmuch stigma surrounding ENM in India but this does not look to deter its practitioners; but it means that astir radical are discreet astir their polyamorous presumption astatine work, with family, friends, oregon adjacent online. Finding lodging proves astir intolerable for the openly polyamorous, and women look disproportionate judgement compared to men. Ms. Nagpal observes a dearth of affectional grounding successful unfastened marriages, with boundaries astir who constitutes the “real” mates blurring. Jealousy, insecurity, and fearfulness of rejection aboveground regularly, requiring important affectional labour and honorable communication, she says.
Progressive tribunal verdicts, including the decriminalisation of adultery and Section 377, person helped forge immoderate acceptance of alternate sexualities and romanticist lifestyles, and designation that familial relationships whitethorn instrumentality non-traditional forms and beryllium functional. However, ineligible frameworks bash not recognise polyamorous relationships. Indian metros person a past of tiny but thriving online communities engaged successful exploring ENM, but the existent popularity successful lived signifier seems to constituent to smaller towns and cities wherever determination is greater patriarchal sway for joined men to research ENM with the woman tagging along, astir times, reluctantly.
Facebook groups specified arsenic ‘Polyamory India’ and ‘Indian Polyamory and Open Relationships’ exist, portion Reddit’s polyamoryindia group remains tiny if active. Even mainstream dating apps similar OkCupid, Feeld, and Bumble present see options for identifying arsenic non-monogamous, facilitating connections that circumvent awkward disclosures and discoveries.
Small polyamory meet-ups excessively exist, including fortnightly groups addressing loneliness wrong matrimony successful Chennai. Participants enactment each different with navigating household pressures, child-rearing, and secrecy, viewing polyamory arsenic aspirational alternatively than mainstream. Niche apps specified arsenic Flamr and SwingTowns list Chennai poly-seekers, indicating a quiescent request successful a taste discourse that is inactive mostly rigid and conservative, but is decidedly changing. At the extremity of the day, ENM among joined couples successful Tamil Nadu, and India successful general, continues to beryllium successful a paradoxical bubble. There is increasing involvement and acceptance coupled with persistent stigma requiring couples to beryllium strategically closeted, arsenic modern aspirations fastener horns with accepted structures. While information suggest shifting attitudes and openness to caller ways of navigating narration dynamics, peculiarly among urban, educated Indians, existent signifier remains mostly underground.
Grounding successful polyamory
Arundhati Ghosh’s All Our Loves: Journeys with Polyamory successful India combines memoir, interviews, and captious investigation to research polyamory — loving aggregate radical simultaneously with everyone’s consent — successful modern India. She positions polyamory arsenic “perhaps, the past existing taboo” successful India, wherever adjacent wide minds conflict erstwhile the singularity of emotion is challenged.
Ms. Ghosh explores applicable aspects, including navigating jealousy, managing clip betwixt partners, establishing boundaries, raising families, and the affectional labour required for this. In a bid of responses for this nonfiction (sent via WhatsApp), she notes that it is not conscionable the younger couples but besides older ones who person been successful monogamous relationships/marriages for decades, who are opening themselves up to ENM, arsenic they are connected a travel to question caller and alternate ways of exploring their deeper desires and authentic selves.
Post-pandemic shifts
The post-pandemic play successful India saw important societal shifts. A 2023 Bumble survey revealed that 60% of azygous Indians are unfastened to consensual non-monogamy. A 2023 Gleeden-IPSOS survey of 1,503 joined Indians recovered that 22% person embraced the conception of being an unfastened mates and are present successful non-monogamous relationships. Dating platforms experienced explosive maturation station the COVID-19 pandemic. Gleeden grew from 800,000 users successful 2017 to 2 cardinal by aboriginal 2023, and reached 3 cardinal by mid-2025, making India the 5th largest marketplace globally.
Research points to respective factors down this growth: work-life imbalance contributing to narration dissatisfaction, societal media enabling connections, progressive tribunal verdicts decriminalising adultery and Section 377; and wide greater affectional self-awareness among municipality Indians who person begun to find worth successful centering mental well-being.
The maturation is predictably precocious successful Indian metros, though Tier-2 cities are not acold behind. The trajectory suggests ENM in India has evolved from a fringe signifier successful 2015 to a important number improvement by 2025, with acceptance fuelling the gait of existent practice, peculiarly among younger, urban, educated populations. The availability of much reliable and centralised information and statistic connected ENM might instrumentality astatine slightest different generation, arsenic stigma and societal shaming are inactive prevalent astir these newer narration dynamics.
A 2020 probe insubstantial successful the International Journal of Indian Psychology compared intelligence well-being betwixt polyamorous and monogamous individuals and recovered that the erstwhile had amended intelligence health. Shobha James, a Bangalore-based narration therapist who has worked with implicit 150 non-monogamous couples, notes, “The situation isn’t emotion itself but navigating a nine that doesn’t yet person the vocabulary for it.”
Amaha, a intelligence wellness platform, present has therapists specifically providing therapy and psychiatric enactment for polyamorous couples.
(*Names changed)
(Preeti M.S. is simply a Chennai-based writer and radio/podcast producer)
